I sat here for a little while trying to figure out what I was going to title the name of today's blog post. I decided to type just what I was feeling without thinking, and Frustration, Stress and Balancing Acts just came out. I can't remember the last time I've had a moment of peace. My life has been so chaotic lately that I don't think I remember what it is like to just relax.... I can't even relax in the bathtub for 5 minutes! I feel like I am going to explode from all of my emotions and things to do somedays. All I want is some peace and quiet, and time to relax. Sometimes I feel like everything is just spinning out of control.
A few weeks ago I lost my grandmother. I am 29 years old and have had all four of my grandparents all my life. I know I've been lucky with that. I guess in the back of my head I knew that eventually I would loose them, but you are never prepared for it. I have so many thoughts rushing through my head that I can't process how I feel. I have regrets about not visiting enough, memories of all the fun times I had with her growing up, visions of things she will miss out on with my children, a sense of responsibility to keep my papa and my dad floating above water so they dont crash emotionally, etc.... The week she died my sister had her wedding. I literally left a funeral for a wedding. The emotional imbalance totally through me off... not to mention I had an exam for school that week that I had to take. So last week I crashed. I thought I had mono. Turns out I was just exhausted. My emotions exhausted me to the point of almost not functioning. For three days I could barely leave my bed. I still dont feel better. Yet, somehow I managed to got to my clinicals at the nursing home twice this week, a baseball game for my boys, have a sleepover with a bunch of 4-6 year olds for my daughter's bday, and go to a job interview. My husband is having to work more because they are short staffed at work and now just suspended two other officers, which makes me feel like the kids and the house are all my responsibility. I feel like I am being snappy with my children and I just want to scream! My friends probably think that I am avoiding them because I have been so MIA lately, but I am just exhausted. EXHAUSTED. exhausted. Emotionally I feel I have no one that understands and no one to lean on. I feel lonely and EXAUSTED. I dont even know if what I am typing right now is making any sense to anyone because emotionally I am a train wreck. I know people will read this and say "Pray," or "God will pull you through it," but I dont want too. That is another emotional rollercoaster I don't have the energy to go through right now. I know it's probably what I need to do, but I am not in that frame of mind. Sometimes I blame God.
I just need a break. ONE BREAK to make my life calm, even if it is just for 5 minutes....
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
The Magic:)
This Christmas, as I watched my childrens' eyes gleam with joy at the sight of presents from Santa, I tried to remember that feeling of Christmas magic! There is nothing like it! How great is it to put away all the worries you have in the world and just believe in MAGIC! Nothing else matters in that moment. I remember being so sad when Christmas was over with as a child. There was/is so much build up-- going to the malls and seeing Santa, all the Christmas lights everywhere, Christmas parties, making holiday artwork at school, etc.... When it was over, it was depressing. I can only hope that my children are able to hold on to that magic for as long as possible. I was going to go somewhere with this, but now I've lost my train of thought.... Listening to Boyce Avenue
The New Years resolutions are now looming in the near future. I really don't know what mine is going to be. I fail terribly every year at any that I pick. There is so much i need to do with myself. I want to get more organized, I have projects in my house to complete, I want to write a book, I want to loose weight, grow my hair out, etc.... Where to start is so hard!
The New Years resolutions are now looming in the near future. I really don't know what mine is going to be. I fail terribly every year at any that I pick. There is so much i need to do with myself. I want to get more organized, I have projects in my house to complete, I want to write a book, I want to loose weight, grow my hair out, etc.... Where to start is so hard!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Holidays as a Police officer's wife
This year marks the the third year that my husband has been a police officer at Christmas time. It really sucks sometimes. I have to remember EVERYTHING that is important for our children for Christmas, and I'm so scared that I am going to forget something. My family is big and we have tons of Christmas obligations. Today is the day before Christmas Eve and we had our family celebration with my dad's side. Mike really wanted to go, but he is on night shift right now. Last night they had a busy night and he didn't get home until 9:30am. (usually the are off at 7) I knew there was no chance of him getting up to go eat lunch at 12! So I have the obligation of loading the presents in the car, getting three children dressed and ready, plus trying to throw something on me to look half way decent. While I enjoy the time with my extended family, I hate that Mike doesn't get to see Aubrey SOOO excited to open her presents. She is three this year and is really understanding what Christmas is. I try to be the good wife and make my husband a plate of food and bring his presents to him. He's too tired to enjoy either. The kids are so excited and want to show him all the stuff they got, but I have to remind them over and OVER that daddy is sleeping because he worked last night and has to work again tonight. By the time he wakes up all he has time to do is wash and eat. Tomorrow brings yet another enduring task of keeping the kids quiet so daddy can sleep and another day of getting three kids dressed and ready, presents loaded, and go to my mom's side to celebrate Christmas Eve. He says he is going to try to go for a while, but I know that he is pushing himself. He's already worked four nights in a row.
Now, my wonderful husband, who I love, has to do the stupidest thing ever and VOLUNTEER himself to work private security for a certain company on CHRISTMAS EVE! When he told me this I was freaking mad! I mean seriously, Christmas Eve? With his work schedule it's rare that he has a holiday off. He finally has Christmas Eve off and what does he do... yeah. So anyway I got over it when he told me how much money it pays. We could use it, but then that leaves me playing Santa. When he gets home he's going to be so tired, and we still have one more Christmas celebration at my parents house. This is such a long explanation, but being an officer's wife can be tiresome. Sometimes you really do feel like a single parent. The worst part is that the whole time we are off celebrating, and I'm trying to make my kids' Christmas as special as possible, I am worrying about my husband. It is starting to get a little better after three years, but it's always in the back of my mind that he could get hurt or worse. How would I tell my children? What would I do? These are things that are constantly present in our lives.
Now, my wonderful husband, who I love, has to do the stupidest thing ever and VOLUNTEER himself to work private security for a certain company on CHRISTMAS EVE! When he told me this I was freaking mad! I mean seriously, Christmas Eve? With his work schedule it's rare that he has a holiday off. He finally has Christmas Eve off and what does he do... yeah. So anyway I got over it when he told me how much money it pays. We could use it, but then that leaves me playing Santa. When he gets home he's going to be so tired, and we still have one more Christmas celebration at my parents house. This is such a long explanation, but being an officer's wife can be tiresome. Sometimes you really do feel like a single parent. The worst part is that the whole time we are off celebrating, and I'm trying to make my kids' Christmas as special as possible, I am worrying about my husband. It is starting to get a little better after three years, but it's always in the back of my mind that he could get hurt or worse. How would I tell my children? What would I do? These are things that are constantly present in our lives.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thoughts on Relationships
So I've been thinking a lot today about relationships, love, broken-heartedness, and all the feelings and emotions that come with it. We all start out so naive when it comes to relationships. I remember my heart breaking so bad after my first "real" relationship ended in high school. It was like someone had stuck their hand in my heart, twisted, and pulled it right out of my chest. I remember going home to my mom and just crying my eyes out. I cried for weeks. At the time, it felt like the end of the world. It was the first real feeling of rejection. I remember people would tell me, "Its just a high school relationship," or "You were too young anyways." I hated those phrases because what I was feeling was so real to me. I am trying to let that feeling stay with me so when my own children have their first heartbreaks, I can be more understanding.
After the first heartbreak, I did, as many do, put up a brick wall and become severely self-conscience. I remember thinking that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, and hid under a shell of short term relationships that would crumble shortly after they started because I wouldn't let them fully get to my heart. Its so funny too because NOW, with a body after having three kids, gained more weight and dont have skin quite so clear, I look back at pictures of the time and wish I was her again in the looks department. THANK GOD I am not her mentally though! It's true what your parents tell you about realizations as you get older. I realize that I put myself in some scary situations between the ages of 17-19. Relationships had me mentally screwed up. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted, or what I was doing. I had many different relationships in that period, dating-wise as well as friend wise. In fact, most of my best memories with friends are during that period. I guess we were being crazy together. Many friends touched my life in those short two years. Some of them I still call on today when I am down. Some of them I would still take a bullet for.
Love is such a powerful thing. Music from certain time periods in my life bring the feelings close to the edge of being real again. It's almost like watching my memories in a movie and crying when the sad scenes happen.
Some relationships can never be saved I've learned. There are some people that you let in your life at one point, and maybe you needed them then, but as life moves along its train tracks, you have to boot some at the next stop and never look back. I've had people in my life that I've had to let go of in the past. Some have hurt like hell, but I knew it was the right thing to do. On the other hand, I feel like people have done the same to me. It still blows my mind to think you can love someone so much and so hard, be so close, but you distance yourself. That distance might have been good, but it still sucks.
The biggest of relationships: marriage and being a parent have changed my views on relationships and love. There is no other love that can hold a candle to the love you have for your children. I am constantly praying that I am being a good mother so that my kids don't end of with a warped version of love or life. It's almost like you have to walk on eggshells around them. You have this huge urge to protect them unconditionally from everything. This past week, with the shooting at the elementary school in CT, i wanted to stuff my kids in my house and never let them go anywhere. Obviously we can't do that, just like we can't protect them from everything.
If you had told me 8 years ago that love changes, I would have laughed at you. I just thought that this wonderful man I was marrying had my undying never changing love. While undying is true, love in marriage does change. It deepens when you watch your spouse with your first born in his arms and tear streaming down his face. This thing you created was real, and it stemmed from love that you and your spouse have together. You grow up together. The ideas you share widen your horizon and make your respect for each other grow. You become more that just lovers that married. You really become best friends. Marriage has its ups and downs. Its hard to live with someone day in and day out and not notice any faults. You get on each others nerves a lot! The funny thing is, when they are gone, those faults you miss. My husband was at the police academy for 9 weeks. It doesn't sound like long, but when you are used to being together all the time, it seems like forever. I noticed during this period of time all the things my husband did for me and our family. I learned to appreciate the small things, and the point of all that was, it made me love him even more.
Sometimes I see people post on facebook messages about relationships ending, beginning, and being challenged. It reminds me that no matter what the circumstances are, people end of together for a reason. I've learned from every relationship I've had, and I don't regret any of it--even the bad. I reflect on past relationships often. Sometimes I smile about memories, and some make me want to shed tears, but they all are a part of me. They have molded me into the person I am today. I will continue to learn from friendships, marriage and my children. In ten years, I may feel totally different than I do now.
After the first heartbreak, I did, as many do, put up a brick wall and become severely self-conscience. I remember thinking that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, and hid under a shell of short term relationships that would crumble shortly after they started because I wouldn't let them fully get to my heart. Its so funny too because NOW, with a body after having three kids, gained more weight and dont have skin quite so clear, I look back at pictures of the time and wish I was her again in the looks department. THANK GOD I am not her mentally though! It's true what your parents tell you about realizations as you get older. I realize that I put myself in some scary situations between the ages of 17-19. Relationships had me mentally screwed up. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted, or what I was doing. I had many different relationships in that period, dating-wise as well as friend wise. In fact, most of my best memories with friends are during that period. I guess we were being crazy together. Many friends touched my life in those short two years. Some of them I still call on today when I am down. Some of them I would still take a bullet for.
Love is such a powerful thing. Music from certain time periods in my life bring the feelings close to the edge of being real again. It's almost like watching my memories in a movie and crying when the sad scenes happen.
Some relationships can never be saved I've learned. There are some people that you let in your life at one point, and maybe you needed them then, but as life moves along its train tracks, you have to boot some at the next stop and never look back. I've had people in my life that I've had to let go of in the past. Some have hurt like hell, but I knew it was the right thing to do. On the other hand, I feel like people have done the same to me. It still blows my mind to think you can love someone so much and so hard, be so close, but you distance yourself. That distance might have been good, but it still sucks.
The biggest of relationships: marriage and being a parent have changed my views on relationships and love. There is no other love that can hold a candle to the love you have for your children. I am constantly praying that I am being a good mother so that my kids don't end of with a warped version of love or life. It's almost like you have to walk on eggshells around them. You have this huge urge to protect them unconditionally from everything. This past week, with the shooting at the elementary school in CT, i wanted to stuff my kids in my house and never let them go anywhere. Obviously we can't do that, just like we can't protect them from everything.
If you had told me 8 years ago that love changes, I would have laughed at you. I just thought that this wonderful man I was marrying had my undying never changing love. While undying is true, love in marriage does change. It deepens when you watch your spouse with your first born in his arms and tear streaming down his face. This thing you created was real, and it stemmed from love that you and your spouse have together. You grow up together. The ideas you share widen your horizon and make your respect for each other grow. You become more that just lovers that married. You really become best friends. Marriage has its ups and downs. Its hard to live with someone day in and day out and not notice any faults. You get on each others nerves a lot! The funny thing is, when they are gone, those faults you miss. My husband was at the police academy for 9 weeks. It doesn't sound like long, but when you are used to being together all the time, it seems like forever. I noticed during this period of time all the things my husband did for me and our family. I learned to appreciate the small things, and the point of all that was, it made me love him even more.
Sometimes I see people post on facebook messages about relationships ending, beginning, and being challenged. It reminds me that no matter what the circumstances are, people end of together for a reason. I've learned from every relationship I've had, and I don't regret any of it--even the bad. I reflect on past relationships often. Sometimes I smile about memories, and some make me want to shed tears, but they all are a part of me. They have molded me into the person I am today. I will continue to learn from friendships, marriage and my children. In ten years, I may feel totally different than I do now.
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