So I've been thinking a lot today about relationships, love, broken-heartedness, and all the feelings and emotions that come with it. We all start out so naive when it comes to relationships. I remember my heart breaking so bad after my first "real" relationship ended in high school. It was like someone had stuck their hand in my heart, twisted, and pulled it right out of my chest. I remember going home to my mom and just crying my eyes out. I cried for weeks. At the time, it felt like the end of the world. It was the first real feeling of rejection. I remember people would tell me, "Its just a high school relationship," or "You were too young anyways." I hated those phrases because what I was feeling was so real to me. I am trying to let that feeling stay with me so when my own children have their first heartbreaks, I can be more understanding.
After the first heartbreak, I did, as many do, put up a brick wall and become severely self-conscience. I remember thinking that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, and hid under a shell of short term relationships that would crumble shortly after they started because I wouldn't let them fully get to my heart. Its so funny too because NOW, with a body after having three kids, gained more weight and dont have skin quite so clear, I look back at pictures of the time and wish I was her again in the looks department. THANK GOD I am not her mentally though! It's true what your parents tell you about realizations as you get older. I realize that I put myself in some scary situations between the ages of 17-19. Relationships had me mentally screwed up. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted, or what I was doing. I had many different relationships in that period, dating-wise as well as friend wise. In fact, most of my best memories with friends are during that period. I guess we were being crazy together. Many friends touched my life in those short two years. Some of them I still call on today when I am down. Some of them I would still take a bullet for.
Love is such a powerful thing. Music from certain time periods in my life bring the feelings close to the edge of being real again. It's almost like watching my memories in a movie and crying when the sad scenes happen.
Some relationships can never be saved I've learned. There are some people that you let in your life at one point, and maybe you needed them then, but as life moves along its train tracks, you have to boot some at the next stop and never look back. I've had people in my life that I've had to let go of in the past. Some have hurt like hell, but I knew it was the right thing to do. On the other hand, I feel like people have done the same to me. It still blows my mind to think you can love someone so much and so hard, be so close, but you distance yourself. That distance might have been good, but it still sucks.
The biggest of relationships: marriage and being a parent have changed my views on relationships and love. There is no other love that can hold a candle to the love you have for your children. I am constantly praying that I am being a good mother so that my kids don't end of with a warped version of love or life. It's almost like you have to walk on eggshells around them. You have this huge urge to protect them unconditionally from everything. This past week, with the shooting at the elementary school in CT, i wanted to stuff my kids in my house and never let them go anywhere. Obviously we can't do that, just like we can't protect them from everything.
If you had told me 8 years ago that love changes, I would have laughed at you. I just thought that this wonderful man I was marrying had my undying never changing love. While undying is true, love in marriage does change. It deepens when you watch your spouse with your first born in his arms and tear streaming down his face. This thing you created was real, and it stemmed from love that you and your spouse have together. You grow up together. The ideas you share widen your horizon and make your respect for each other grow. You become more that just lovers that married. You really become best friends. Marriage has its ups and downs. Its hard to live with someone day in and day out and not notice any faults. You get on each others nerves a lot! The funny thing is, when they are gone, those faults you miss. My husband was at the police academy for 9 weeks. It doesn't sound like long, but when you are used to being together all the time, it seems like forever. I noticed during this period of time all the things my husband did for me and our family. I learned to appreciate the small things, and the point of all that was, it made me love him even more.
Sometimes I see people post on facebook messages about relationships ending, beginning, and being challenged. It reminds me that no matter what the circumstances are, people end of together for a reason. I've learned from every relationship I've had, and I don't regret any of it--even the bad. I reflect on past relationships often. Sometimes I smile about memories, and some make me want to shed tears, but they all are a part of me. They have molded me into the person I am today. I will continue to learn from friendships, marriage and my children. In ten years, I may feel totally different than I do now.
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