It seems as if the world is turning into a mosh pit of pill addicts. So many of my friends and people I know are having to deal with this epidemic in their own families. It has become a widespread problem.
I never thought I would have to deal with it with loved ones, but I have. It is so hard to accept. So how do we deal with it? Who's fault is it? Why do these people decide to torture their loved ones with their addiction issues? How do we cope? Who do you blame?
Most people want to blame doctors for starting the addict on the pills. I, however, don't believe that. Maybe it helps with access to the drug in the beginning, but if you have family and people that you care about, why do you let yourself slip in this downward spiral? How do you go from being so involved with family and life to the exact opposite?
I know NA, and Al Anon teach that its a disease, and I believe that, but I think I am just in a stage of this process that I am not willing to accept that fate. No disease should overpower love.
You want to know what I've learned about this so called disease in the past few years? I'll tell you the reality of it:
-Addicts are liars. They say whatever they have to, to take the attention off their addiction. So I've learned to not trust anything the addict has to say. The trust thing is perhaps the hardest part of all of this.
-Addicts are hurtful. They say hurtful things to go back to the above.... attention off of them. They will rip your heart out with their words and not think about the consequences. It took me a long time to realize that it's the drug talking, not them. However, it is still so hard to stomach. I've gotten a tough skin over the past few years because of that.
-Addicts associate with people that could cause harm to them and other members of the family. They do this to support their habit. It is their way to get access to their drug. I've seen some sketchy people around the addicts I know. I've seen people they would have never have previously associated with. The addicts have also put other family members in situations where they are around these people. This is perhaps one of the scariest parts of this problem because in my situation children have been around.
-Addicts are horrible with money. THIS is their lifeline. This is what helps them get their drug. They tend to forget about bills being paid, let things go around the house, and seem to be broke all the time. Someone who used to never worry about money, suddenly becomes worried about it all the time.
-Addicts neglect their appearance. They stop taking care of themselves like they used too. The once elegantly make-uped face or the nicely pressed pants cease to exist. It even applies to their home. It becomes a mess, just like the appearance.
-Addicts have legal troubles. The ones I know, and several of ones I've heard of at some time or another get busted. Sometimes this is a good thing because it forces them to think about their consequences and jump start detox. However, the legal battles are something else that will burden the rest of the family.
-Addicts are selfish. Their whole day is centered around their pill addiction, so they will make their plans on their terms. Usually they begin to disassociate with most people so they don't have to worry about making too many plans. Close family members are the ones most affected by this because they still want to be around the addicts, regardless of their addiction.
-Addicts will relapse. I read somewhere that 90 percent of pill addicts will relapse at some point or another. I didn't believe it would happen to the addicts I knew. But it has. The drug controls their life.
I am trying so hard to educate myself on pill addiction and trying to understand, but my anger keeps trying to overtake my logic. I joined some message boards and told my story. Someone commented that I had to set boundaries, especially with my children being around. They made it sound so black and white--just tell them they can't see the children, but how do you tell your children they can't see these people that they love? How do you make them understand? How do you not yell and scream and fight with these people so that they understand they aren't just hurting themselves, they are hurting the ones that love them the most?
I haven't confronted my newly relapsed addicts yet. I didn't want to during the holidays and I really don't want to right now because we have been getting along. I keep wanting to get my hands on solid proof, but in the end does that matter? They are going to deny it either way. My gut tells me I'm right, and I can't let my children's' lives be poisoned because of their "disease." I hate that word. It should be called selfishness.
So what's my plan of action? I don't know. My husband keeps asking me, but I really don't know. I am trying to read up on relapsed addicts, and I really want to find a support group that is local. I know I am going to have to set some boundaries soon. I don't really know what I am waiting for. I guess a solid sign that I know they are back on pills. My gut tells me that I am right, but my heart is still in denial.
For those of you out their dealing with an addict, my heart is heavy with you right now. I know the torture and pain. I know the anger. Let's try not to let it consume us.
You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. ~Buddha
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
It's Been Awhile...
Well it has been a little while since I blogged, but tonight I feel I have so much on my chest! I don't even know where to start. I'm happy and stressed the holidays are upon us, but feel so sorry for some of the families that have lost loved ones this year that will be spending their first Christmas without them. I, myself, will be spending my first Christmas without my Grandma Shelby.
I feel like since her death, I have been experiencing a little denial and have blocked a lot of feelings by building walls around my heart. (something I've learned to do over the years quite too frequently) Now that Christmas is here, her favorite time of the year, I am starting to really realize that she's gone. It doesn't seem real. I don't even know if I can emotionally address all that I feel right now about that...
The law enforcement community just lost a local officer and that has had me thinking so much about how it could be Mike at anytime. Joseph Antwine was a deputy for FCSO and just recently graduated the police academy. In response to another officer who needed backup, he crashed his car on the way. I've heard a lot of people saying and read commenters on social media sites saying things like "Well he shouldn't have been going so fast," and "officers should get in trouble for going so fast." It really angers me to hear this. Wrecks are going to happen, but if another officer calls for backup, you bust your ass to get there. THEY could be the ones that end of dead, and then these people saying all that would be preaching about backup not arriving when they should.
Most people don't realize that in an area like a county, like Florence, there are not very many deputies working per shift. I am not positive of the numbers but I heard FCSO only has 4-5 deputies working at a time. Think about how big Florence County is. If officers had been responding to a call close to Timmonsville, and backup is needed near the paper mill, think about how long it takes to get there. Of course you are going to speed to get there! In the county I live in, Marion, there are only 3 deputies working per shift, and that is if they are fully staffed. Mike is lucky in that he works for a smaller town department and backup can get their quick. However, I know there have been occasions when he probably had to drive fast to get to another officer who needed backup. Does it scare me? Yes, of course, but that is part of the job. I wish people could live in a law enforcement family for just a few weeks. They would quickly change their tune on how they feel about many issues regarding cops and their practices. The past four year have definitely been game changers for me! So many things have been brought to my attention that I never knew.
The past few years, Mike and I have really figured out that you can't trust many people, and we've found out who some of our real friends are.
People don't seem to realize that I don't live a normal schedule. Sometimes our weekend is Wed. and Thurs. because Mike is working his long week. When he's on night shift, we see each other in passing and I really am a single parent. Some days it really sucks, and I know I bitch a lot about it to him, but the truth is, we signed up for this together. This is his dream, and I will always be behind him 100%. He has been called to duty so to speak, and is an awesome officer. I've seen him grow so much in the past four years and love when he is passionate about an issue or something related to law enforcement. I can see that he loves it. So many of us have a hard time finding what our calling is and what really makes us happy career-wise, me included, so he's really lucky! Sometimes the holidays are lonely, and I miss having a regular schedule for the kids, but I know he is out there protecting and doing what someone has to do to keep us all safe.
The criticism of LEOs is sometimes more than I can bare. And yes I take it personal when another officer is being criticized and held under a microscope, because it could be my LEO at anytime. So many cops get accused of things that they didn't do just because someone wants to get out of a charge or in a recent case, get some media attention. It is very scary that at anytime an officer can be accused of something just because someone got mad for getting locked up or pulled over. The saying "Innocent until proven guilty" really doesn't apply to LEOs. They get treated like shit until proven innocent, and even then it is usually not let out to the public that their name was cleared. Their families feel the brunt of it, and their name will always be associated with whatever the issue was about. The deputy accused of being racist is such a load of crap. I am 99 percent sure he is going to be cleared, but the media will never talk about it if he is. Instead, these people have made a national issue over it. I can hardly believe that it has made national news. His wife and family have to deal with this everyday. All this officer did was do his job. Looking into the two that accused him, I've discovered that they aren't exactly the brightest blubs on the tree. They started a foundation to talk about how racist law enforcement is, but all their videos and links they put on it have no substantial points or facts to back anything up, with the exception of maybe one. In fact, many of them show just how crazy some people are to just throw the race card out there. I don't doubt there are racist cops out there. I know that there are, but this incident was not that at all and it angers me that these people are getting the attention that they are. NYPD has had several issues of racial profiling come up that are real and unjust. However, this issue is not that. If you are reading this, please do your research. Don't blindly believe. Not all officers are ignorant racists. I would go as far as to say that this job probably makes them less likely to judge based on skin color due to the fact that they see crime committed by all races, level of wealth, genders, sexual preferences, etc... They see the bad happen by everyone. That's all I will say about that.
I have so much more I want to get off my chest, but I'll save it for another time.
I feel like since her death, I have been experiencing a little denial and have blocked a lot of feelings by building walls around my heart. (something I've learned to do over the years quite too frequently) Now that Christmas is here, her favorite time of the year, I am starting to really realize that she's gone. It doesn't seem real. I don't even know if I can emotionally address all that I feel right now about that...
The law enforcement community just lost a local officer and that has had me thinking so much about how it could be Mike at anytime. Joseph Antwine was a deputy for FCSO and just recently graduated the police academy. In response to another officer who needed backup, he crashed his car on the way. I've heard a lot of people saying and read commenters on social media sites saying things like "Well he shouldn't have been going so fast," and "officers should get in trouble for going so fast." It really angers me to hear this. Wrecks are going to happen, but if another officer calls for backup, you bust your ass to get there. THEY could be the ones that end of dead, and then these people saying all that would be preaching about backup not arriving when they should.
Most people don't realize that in an area like a county, like Florence, there are not very many deputies working per shift. I am not positive of the numbers but I heard FCSO only has 4-5 deputies working at a time. Think about how big Florence County is. If officers had been responding to a call close to Timmonsville, and backup is needed near the paper mill, think about how long it takes to get there. Of course you are going to speed to get there! In the county I live in, Marion, there are only 3 deputies working per shift, and that is if they are fully staffed. Mike is lucky in that he works for a smaller town department and backup can get their quick. However, I know there have been occasions when he probably had to drive fast to get to another officer who needed backup. Does it scare me? Yes, of course, but that is part of the job. I wish people could live in a law enforcement family for just a few weeks. They would quickly change their tune on how they feel about many issues regarding cops and their practices. The past four year have definitely been game changers for me! So many things have been brought to my attention that I never knew.
The past few years, Mike and I have really figured out that you can't trust many people, and we've found out who some of our real friends are.
People don't seem to realize that I don't live a normal schedule. Sometimes our weekend is Wed. and Thurs. because Mike is working his long week. When he's on night shift, we see each other in passing and I really am a single parent. Some days it really sucks, and I know I bitch a lot about it to him, but the truth is, we signed up for this together. This is his dream, and I will always be behind him 100%. He has been called to duty so to speak, and is an awesome officer. I've seen him grow so much in the past four years and love when he is passionate about an issue or something related to law enforcement. I can see that he loves it. So many of us have a hard time finding what our calling is and what really makes us happy career-wise, me included, so he's really lucky! Sometimes the holidays are lonely, and I miss having a regular schedule for the kids, but I know he is out there protecting and doing what someone has to do to keep us all safe.
The criticism of LEOs is sometimes more than I can bare. And yes I take it personal when another officer is being criticized and held under a microscope, because it could be my LEO at anytime. So many cops get accused of things that they didn't do just because someone wants to get out of a charge or in a recent case, get some media attention. It is very scary that at anytime an officer can be accused of something just because someone got mad for getting locked up or pulled over. The saying "Innocent until proven guilty" really doesn't apply to LEOs. They get treated like shit until proven innocent, and even then it is usually not let out to the public that their name was cleared. Their families feel the brunt of it, and their name will always be associated with whatever the issue was about. The deputy accused of being racist is such a load of crap. I am 99 percent sure he is going to be cleared, but the media will never talk about it if he is. Instead, these people have made a national issue over it. I can hardly believe that it has made national news. His wife and family have to deal with this everyday. All this officer did was do his job. Looking into the two that accused him, I've discovered that they aren't exactly the brightest blubs on the tree. They started a foundation to talk about how racist law enforcement is, but all their videos and links they put on it have no substantial points or facts to back anything up, with the exception of maybe one. In fact, many of them show just how crazy some people are to just throw the race card out there. I don't doubt there are racist cops out there. I know that there are, but this incident was not that at all and it angers me that these people are getting the attention that they are. NYPD has had several issues of racial profiling come up that are real and unjust. However, this issue is not that. If you are reading this, please do your research. Don't blindly believe. Not all officers are ignorant racists. I would go as far as to say that this job probably makes them less likely to judge based on skin color due to the fact that they see crime committed by all races, level of wealth, genders, sexual preferences, etc... They see the bad happen by everyone. That's all I will say about that.
I have so much more I want to get off my chest, but I'll save it for another time.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Frustration, Stress, and Balancing Acts
I sat here for a little while trying to figure out what I was going to title the name of today's blog post. I decided to type just what I was feeling without thinking, and Frustration, Stress and Balancing Acts just came out. I can't remember the last time I've had a moment of peace. My life has been so chaotic lately that I don't think I remember what it is like to just relax.... I can't even relax in the bathtub for 5 minutes! I feel like I am going to explode from all of my emotions and things to do somedays. All I want is some peace and quiet, and time to relax. Sometimes I feel like everything is just spinning out of control.
A few weeks ago I lost my grandmother. I am 29 years old and have had all four of my grandparents all my life. I know I've been lucky with that. I guess in the back of my head I knew that eventually I would loose them, but you are never prepared for it. I have so many thoughts rushing through my head that I can't process how I feel. I have regrets about not visiting enough, memories of all the fun times I had with her growing up, visions of things she will miss out on with my children, a sense of responsibility to keep my papa and my dad floating above water so they dont crash emotionally, etc.... The week she died my sister had her wedding. I literally left a funeral for a wedding. The emotional imbalance totally through me off... not to mention I had an exam for school that week that I had to take. So last week I crashed. I thought I had mono. Turns out I was just exhausted. My emotions exhausted me to the point of almost not functioning. For three days I could barely leave my bed. I still dont feel better. Yet, somehow I managed to got to my clinicals at the nursing home twice this week, a baseball game for my boys, have a sleepover with a bunch of 4-6 year olds for my daughter's bday, and go to a job interview. My husband is having to work more because they are short staffed at work and now just suspended two other officers, which makes me feel like the kids and the house are all my responsibility. I feel like I am being snappy with my children and I just want to scream! My friends probably think that I am avoiding them because I have been so MIA lately, but I am just exhausted. EXHAUSTED. exhausted. Emotionally I feel I have no one that understands and no one to lean on. I feel lonely and EXAUSTED. I dont even know if what I am typing right now is making any sense to anyone because emotionally I am a train wreck. I know people will read this and say "Pray," or "God will pull you through it," but I dont want too. That is another emotional rollercoaster I don't have the energy to go through right now. I know it's probably what I need to do, but I am not in that frame of mind. Sometimes I blame God.
I just need a break. ONE BREAK to make my life calm, even if it is just for 5 minutes....
A few weeks ago I lost my grandmother. I am 29 years old and have had all four of my grandparents all my life. I know I've been lucky with that. I guess in the back of my head I knew that eventually I would loose them, but you are never prepared for it. I have so many thoughts rushing through my head that I can't process how I feel. I have regrets about not visiting enough, memories of all the fun times I had with her growing up, visions of things she will miss out on with my children, a sense of responsibility to keep my papa and my dad floating above water so they dont crash emotionally, etc.... The week she died my sister had her wedding. I literally left a funeral for a wedding. The emotional imbalance totally through me off... not to mention I had an exam for school that week that I had to take. So last week I crashed. I thought I had mono. Turns out I was just exhausted. My emotions exhausted me to the point of almost not functioning. For three days I could barely leave my bed. I still dont feel better. Yet, somehow I managed to got to my clinicals at the nursing home twice this week, a baseball game for my boys, have a sleepover with a bunch of 4-6 year olds for my daughter's bday, and go to a job interview. My husband is having to work more because they are short staffed at work and now just suspended two other officers, which makes me feel like the kids and the house are all my responsibility. I feel like I am being snappy with my children and I just want to scream! My friends probably think that I am avoiding them because I have been so MIA lately, but I am just exhausted. EXHAUSTED. exhausted. Emotionally I feel I have no one that understands and no one to lean on. I feel lonely and EXAUSTED. I dont even know if what I am typing right now is making any sense to anyone because emotionally I am a train wreck. I know people will read this and say "Pray," or "God will pull you through it," but I dont want too. That is another emotional rollercoaster I don't have the energy to go through right now. I know it's probably what I need to do, but I am not in that frame of mind. Sometimes I blame God.
I just need a break. ONE BREAK to make my life calm, even if it is just for 5 minutes....
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
The Magic:)
This Christmas, as I watched my childrens' eyes gleam with joy at the sight of presents from Santa, I tried to remember that feeling of Christmas magic! There is nothing like it! How great is it to put away all the worries you have in the world and just believe in MAGIC! Nothing else matters in that moment. I remember being so sad when Christmas was over with as a child. There was/is so much build up-- going to the malls and seeing Santa, all the Christmas lights everywhere, Christmas parties, making holiday artwork at school, etc.... When it was over, it was depressing. I can only hope that my children are able to hold on to that magic for as long as possible. I was going to go somewhere with this, but now I've lost my train of thought.... Listening to Boyce Avenue
The New Years resolutions are now looming in the near future. I really don't know what mine is going to be. I fail terribly every year at any that I pick. There is so much i need to do with myself. I want to get more organized, I have projects in my house to complete, I want to write a book, I want to loose weight, grow my hair out, etc.... Where to start is so hard!
The New Years resolutions are now looming in the near future. I really don't know what mine is going to be. I fail terribly every year at any that I pick. There is so much i need to do with myself. I want to get more organized, I have projects in my house to complete, I want to write a book, I want to loose weight, grow my hair out, etc.... Where to start is so hard!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Holidays as a Police officer's wife
This year marks the the third year that my husband has been a police officer at Christmas time. It really sucks sometimes. I have to remember EVERYTHING that is important for our children for Christmas, and I'm so scared that I am going to forget something. My family is big and we have tons of Christmas obligations. Today is the day before Christmas Eve and we had our family celebration with my dad's side. Mike really wanted to go, but he is on night shift right now. Last night they had a busy night and he didn't get home until 9:30am. (usually the are off at 7) I knew there was no chance of him getting up to go eat lunch at 12! So I have the obligation of loading the presents in the car, getting three children dressed and ready, plus trying to throw something on me to look half way decent. While I enjoy the time with my extended family, I hate that Mike doesn't get to see Aubrey SOOO excited to open her presents. She is three this year and is really understanding what Christmas is. I try to be the good wife and make my husband a plate of food and bring his presents to him. He's too tired to enjoy either. The kids are so excited and want to show him all the stuff they got, but I have to remind them over and OVER that daddy is sleeping because he worked last night and has to work again tonight. By the time he wakes up all he has time to do is wash and eat. Tomorrow brings yet another enduring task of keeping the kids quiet so daddy can sleep and another day of getting three kids dressed and ready, presents loaded, and go to my mom's side to celebrate Christmas Eve. He says he is going to try to go for a while, but I know that he is pushing himself. He's already worked four nights in a row.
Now, my wonderful husband, who I love, has to do the stupidest thing ever and VOLUNTEER himself to work private security for a certain company on CHRISTMAS EVE! When he told me this I was freaking mad! I mean seriously, Christmas Eve? With his work schedule it's rare that he has a holiday off. He finally has Christmas Eve off and what does he do... yeah. So anyway I got over it when he told me how much money it pays. We could use it, but then that leaves me playing Santa. When he gets home he's going to be so tired, and we still have one more Christmas celebration at my parents house. This is such a long explanation, but being an officer's wife can be tiresome. Sometimes you really do feel like a single parent. The worst part is that the whole time we are off celebrating, and I'm trying to make my kids' Christmas as special as possible, I am worrying about my husband. It is starting to get a little better after three years, but it's always in the back of my mind that he could get hurt or worse. How would I tell my children? What would I do? These are things that are constantly present in our lives.
Now, my wonderful husband, who I love, has to do the stupidest thing ever and VOLUNTEER himself to work private security for a certain company on CHRISTMAS EVE! When he told me this I was freaking mad! I mean seriously, Christmas Eve? With his work schedule it's rare that he has a holiday off. He finally has Christmas Eve off and what does he do... yeah. So anyway I got over it when he told me how much money it pays. We could use it, but then that leaves me playing Santa. When he gets home he's going to be so tired, and we still have one more Christmas celebration at my parents house. This is such a long explanation, but being an officer's wife can be tiresome. Sometimes you really do feel like a single parent. The worst part is that the whole time we are off celebrating, and I'm trying to make my kids' Christmas as special as possible, I am worrying about my husband. It is starting to get a little better after three years, but it's always in the back of my mind that he could get hurt or worse. How would I tell my children? What would I do? These are things that are constantly present in our lives.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thoughts on Relationships
So I've been thinking a lot today about relationships, love, broken-heartedness, and all the feelings and emotions that come with it. We all start out so naive when it comes to relationships. I remember my heart breaking so bad after my first "real" relationship ended in high school. It was like someone had stuck their hand in my heart, twisted, and pulled it right out of my chest. I remember going home to my mom and just crying my eyes out. I cried for weeks. At the time, it felt like the end of the world. It was the first real feeling of rejection. I remember people would tell me, "Its just a high school relationship," or "You were too young anyways." I hated those phrases because what I was feeling was so real to me. I am trying to let that feeling stay with me so when my own children have their first heartbreaks, I can be more understanding.
After the first heartbreak, I did, as many do, put up a brick wall and become severely self-conscience. I remember thinking that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, and hid under a shell of short term relationships that would crumble shortly after they started because I wouldn't let them fully get to my heart. Its so funny too because NOW, with a body after having three kids, gained more weight and dont have skin quite so clear, I look back at pictures of the time and wish I was her again in the looks department. THANK GOD I am not her mentally though! It's true what your parents tell you about realizations as you get older. I realize that I put myself in some scary situations between the ages of 17-19. Relationships had me mentally screwed up. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted, or what I was doing. I had many different relationships in that period, dating-wise as well as friend wise. In fact, most of my best memories with friends are during that period. I guess we were being crazy together. Many friends touched my life in those short two years. Some of them I still call on today when I am down. Some of them I would still take a bullet for.
Love is such a powerful thing. Music from certain time periods in my life bring the feelings close to the edge of being real again. It's almost like watching my memories in a movie and crying when the sad scenes happen.
Some relationships can never be saved I've learned. There are some people that you let in your life at one point, and maybe you needed them then, but as life moves along its train tracks, you have to boot some at the next stop and never look back. I've had people in my life that I've had to let go of in the past. Some have hurt like hell, but I knew it was the right thing to do. On the other hand, I feel like people have done the same to me. It still blows my mind to think you can love someone so much and so hard, be so close, but you distance yourself. That distance might have been good, but it still sucks.
The biggest of relationships: marriage and being a parent have changed my views on relationships and love. There is no other love that can hold a candle to the love you have for your children. I am constantly praying that I am being a good mother so that my kids don't end of with a warped version of love or life. It's almost like you have to walk on eggshells around them. You have this huge urge to protect them unconditionally from everything. This past week, with the shooting at the elementary school in CT, i wanted to stuff my kids in my house and never let them go anywhere. Obviously we can't do that, just like we can't protect them from everything.
If you had told me 8 years ago that love changes, I would have laughed at you. I just thought that this wonderful man I was marrying had my undying never changing love. While undying is true, love in marriage does change. It deepens when you watch your spouse with your first born in his arms and tear streaming down his face. This thing you created was real, and it stemmed from love that you and your spouse have together. You grow up together. The ideas you share widen your horizon and make your respect for each other grow. You become more that just lovers that married. You really become best friends. Marriage has its ups and downs. Its hard to live with someone day in and day out and not notice any faults. You get on each others nerves a lot! The funny thing is, when they are gone, those faults you miss. My husband was at the police academy for 9 weeks. It doesn't sound like long, but when you are used to being together all the time, it seems like forever. I noticed during this period of time all the things my husband did for me and our family. I learned to appreciate the small things, and the point of all that was, it made me love him even more.
Sometimes I see people post on facebook messages about relationships ending, beginning, and being challenged. It reminds me that no matter what the circumstances are, people end of together for a reason. I've learned from every relationship I've had, and I don't regret any of it--even the bad. I reflect on past relationships often. Sometimes I smile about memories, and some make me want to shed tears, but they all are a part of me. They have molded me into the person I am today. I will continue to learn from friendships, marriage and my children. In ten years, I may feel totally different than I do now.
After the first heartbreak, I did, as many do, put up a brick wall and become severely self-conscience. I remember thinking that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, and hid under a shell of short term relationships that would crumble shortly after they started because I wouldn't let them fully get to my heart. Its so funny too because NOW, with a body after having three kids, gained more weight and dont have skin quite so clear, I look back at pictures of the time and wish I was her again in the looks department. THANK GOD I am not her mentally though! It's true what your parents tell you about realizations as you get older. I realize that I put myself in some scary situations between the ages of 17-19. Relationships had me mentally screwed up. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted, or what I was doing. I had many different relationships in that period, dating-wise as well as friend wise. In fact, most of my best memories with friends are during that period. I guess we were being crazy together. Many friends touched my life in those short two years. Some of them I still call on today when I am down. Some of them I would still take a bullet for.
Love is such a powerful thing. Music from certain time periods in my life bring the feelings close to the edge of being real again. It's almost like watching my memories in a movie and crying when the sad scenes happen.
Some relationships can never be saved I've learned. There are some people that you let in your life at one point, and maybe you needed them then, but as life moves along its train tracks, you have to boot some at the next stop and never look back. I've had people in my life that I've had to let go of in the past. Some have hurt like hell, but I knew it was the right thing to do. On the other hand, I feel like people have done the same to me. It still blows my mind to think you can love someone so much and so hard, be so close, but you distance yourself. That distance might have been good, but it still sucks.
The biggest of relationships: marriage and being a parent have changed my views on relationships and love. There is no other love that can hold a candle to the love you have for your children. I am constantly praying that I am being a good mother so that my kids don't end of with a warped version of love or life. It's almost like you have to walk on eggshells around them. You have this huge urge to protect them unconditionally from everything. This past week, with the shooting at the elementary school in CT, i wanted to stuff my kids in my house and never let them go anywhere. Obviously we can't do that, just like we can't protect them from everything.
If you had told me 8 years ago that love changes, I would have laughed at you. I just thought that this wonderful man I was marrying had my undying never changing love. While undying is true, love in marriage does change. It deepens when you watch your spouse with your first born in his arms and tear streaming down his face. This thing you created was real, and it stemmed from love that you and your spouse have together. You grow up together. The ideas you share widen your horizon and make your respect for each other grow. You become more that just lovers that married. You really become best friends. Marriage has its ups and downs. Its hard to live with someone day in and day out and not notice any faults. You get on each others nerves a lot! The funny thing is, when they are gone, those faults you miss. My husband was at the police academy for 9 weeks. It doesn't sound like long, but when you are used to being together all the time, it seems like forever. I noticed during this period of time all the things my husband did for me and our family. I learned to appreciate the small things, and the point of all that was, it made me love him even more.
Sometimes I see people post on facebook messages about relationships ending, beginning, and being challenged. It reminds me that no matter what the circumstances are, people end of together for a reason. I've learned from every relationship I've had, and I don't regret any of it--even the bad. I reflect on past relationships often. Sometimes I smile about memories, and some make me want to shed tears, but they all are a part of me. They have molded me into the person I am today. I will continue to learn from friendships, marriage and my children. In ten years, I may feel totally different than I do now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)