I sat here for a little while trying to figure out what I was going to title the name of today's blog post. I decided to type just what I was feeling without thinking, and Frustration, Stress and Balancing Acts just came out. I can't remember the last time I've had a moment of peace. My life has been so chaotic lately that I don't think I remember what it is like to just relax.... I can't even relax in the bathtub for 5 minutes! I feel like I am going to explode from all of my emotions and things to do somedays. All I want is some peace and quiet, and time to relax. Sometimes I feel like everything is just spinning out of control.
A few weeks ago I lost my grandmother. I am 29 years old and have had all four of my grandparents all my life. I know I've been lucky with that. I guess in the back of my head I knew that eventually I would loose them, but you are never prepared for it. I have so many thoughts rushing through my head that I can't process how I feel. I have regrets about not visiting enough, memories of all the fun times I had with her growing up, visions of things she will miss out on with my children, a sense of responsibility to keep my papa and my dad floating above water so they dont crash emotionally, etc.... The week she died my sister had her wedding. I literally left a funeral for a wedding. The emotional imbalance totally through me off... not to mention I had an exam for school that week that I had to take. So last week I crashed. I thought I had mono. Turns out I was just exhausted. My emotions exhausted me to the point of almost not functioning. For three days I could barely leave my bed. I still dont feel better. Yet, somehow I managed to got to my clinicals at the nursing home twice this week, a baseball game for my boys, have a sleepover with a bunch of 4-6 year olds for my daughter's bday, and go to a job interview. My husband is having to work more because they are short staffed at work and now just suspended two other officers, which makes me feel like the kids and the house are all my responsibility. I feel like I am being snappy with my children and I just want to scream! My friends probably think that I am avoiding them because I have been so MIA lately, but I am just exhausted. EXHAUSTED. exhausted. Emotionally I feel I have no one that understands and no one to lean on. I feel lonely and EXAUSTED. I dont even know if what I am typing right now is making any sense to anyone because emotionally I am a train wreck. I know people will read this and say "Pray," or "God will pull you through it," but I dont want too. That is another emotional rollercoaster I don't have the energy to go through right now. I know it's probably what I need to do, but I am not in that frame of mind. Sometimes I blame God.
I just need a break. ONE BREAK to make my life calm, even if it is just for 5 minutes....
